holy crap, i'm actually done

WOW!!! Can you believe it?!? I'm having trouble believing it, lemme tell you.

Those of you keeping up with this blog regularly might be wondering why it took me so long to post this entry, considering my last treatment was five days ago. Five long days ago, November 12, 2008.

Well, I'll tell ya. I wasn't whistling dixie when I said five LONG days. I spent many of them sleeping, most of them in my pyjamas, a few of them battling severe nausea and... let's call it "uncooperative digestion".

But today, I feel good. Today, I actually got up early, showered, got dressed, put on makeup, and went to work. And I actually stayed there all day! It was a good day :)

But last Wednesday, November 12 - not such a good day. Not bad, but worse than expected.

I had hoped to get Nurse J again, even if it meant that she'd have to stick me twice to access my port. And I did get Nurse J, and she did have to stick me twice.

I had hoped to see Oliver before going under anesthesia. And he stopped by to wish me well.

I had hoped the anesthesiologist would give me a good dose of Dexamethazone and Versed. And here's where I stopped getting what I hoped for. Yes, I got the Versed. But the Dex was a no-go. Dex is a steroid that makes me feel - after the procedure is all done - like I can climb a mountain. It means that when I get home from my Brachytherapy, I will sleep for a little, but once I wake up I will feel just fine. Instead of the Dex, I got Reglan. Reglan is for nausea. I should have opened my mouth and insisted on the Dex. But I didn't...

I woke up in recovery feeling the usual pain from the catheter. Let me explain:

*** WARNING: GRAPHIC! Look away if you are squeamish about female stuff, or painful stuff, or gross stuff ***

OK, so basically while I'm under anesthesia, Dr F inserts three lollipop-shaped plastic holders. The big parts of the lollipops are in my uterus. The stick parts of the lollipops are sticking a few inches out of my hoo-hah. Not a pretty picture, I know. But the reason is that they hook me up to this contraption that places the radioactive seeds into the big parts of the lollipops without anyone having to be too involved in my private area. Anyhow, the big parts of the lollipops are in my uterus, which means to get in there they had to be pushed through the very little opening of my cervix. This is why I'm placed under anesthesia. Because it would hurt like hell otherwise! Now, once they are in place, they pack the hoo-hah with... well, packing to make sure everything stays in place. But they pack it so tightly that everything is sorta shoved up against the sides. And "everything" includes my urethra, which has by this point been catheterized. And since it's all being shoved, the catheter really really hurts.

*** OK, Graphic's over, you can look now! ***

So, I'm in recovery with a nurse I don't recognize and didn't have the manners to ask her name. Normally (remember, I've gone through this four times now, and a routine has been established), I will be given Morphine, and then Demerol, and finally Vistaril. This time, Nurse X keeps asking me "How much pain are you in, on a scale from 1-10?" And I say "8 or 9." So she says "Let me give you some morphine." And the next time she's supposed to give me Demerol, but instead she says "Let me give you more morphine." And the next time she's supposed to give me a shot of Vistaril in the thigh, but instead she says "Let me give you more morphine." And I'm sure there was another time, and you guessed it, "more morphine." And because all that morphine makes most people puke their guts out, she gives me an extra shot in the arm of Phenergen IM - an anti-nausea drug. And despite all the morphine, that sucker hurt like the dickens!


I even have a nice shiny souvenir bruise - click here if you'd like to see it!

But once I got to the ROCk, and the treatment got underway, everything went like clockwork. I listened to my mp3 player, chilled out in the nap room, my treatment lasted about 8 minutes, the contraptions were removed, and I was free to go home. But oh man, the morphine was hanging on. And hanging on. And hanging on.

I slept until Friday, basically. Obviously, I got up periodically to eat, drink, pee, etc. But mostly, I was down. I spent some waking moments wondering how anybody ever could be hooked on opiates, seeing as how they make you ssssooooo ddddooooowwwwwnnnn. It was AWFUL!

Saturday, I was awake but very fatigued. John's mom and her friend came to visit and I was awake enough to sit and chat with them for an hour or so out in the back yard (such nice weather). But after that, I needed a little lie-down.

Sunday, the nausea was back. In FULL FORCE. I was a mess! I was devastated - here I'd been hoping that each day I'd feel a little better, but now I'd hit such a set-back. I couldn't believe it.

But then, after dinner, I started to feel a little better. And by this morning, I had energy and I felt good enough to write this blog :)

So, here it is folks! The treatments are ALL FREAKING DONE!!!!!!!!!



Now, I get to wait. I have follow-up appointments on Dec 3 and Dec 10, and then I'll know more about how well all this radioactivity has worked on this cancer.

But until then, thanks so much for everything! The well-wishes, the encouraging emails, the cards, the care-packages, the good karma...

Thanks for all your LOVE!