coituz you, canzer

So today was the big day - the Human-Cyborg Transformation. Last time, I was a nervous quivering wreck. This time, I was... Fearless. Defiant. Angry. Determined.

MT Jeanne, angel that she is, arrived right on schedule at 6:30 am to get me to the church hospital on time. We arrived 15 minutes early and to my delight, I was whisked right in. Didn’t even see the inside of the waiting room. I willingly put my things in locker #9 - superstitions be damned! (I did, however, breathe a sigh of relief that at least it wasn’t - gasp - locker #8. That might have sent me down a different mental path altogether. But that is a topic for another time.)

I got IV’d without incident and MT Jeanne and I chatted until about 8:45 when she left to do something other than sit in a hospital waiting room. After a short doze, Nurse M came to take me down to the ominously named INVASIVE RADIOLOGY room. I met the rest of my team - Nurse J, Nurse D, and Dr G. And they met my hives. Apparently, I have yet another antibiotic to add to my growing list of allergies, this time Ancef. Benadryl helped the itching go away, and also made me just a little bit loopy.

Let me stop for a moment and just interject that my Cyborg Transformation Team ROCKED!!! Total 180 degree change from last time. Dr G was friendly and kind and didn’t try to have it his-way-or-the-highway. The nurses were very accommodating to explain everything non-invasive they were doing to me so I didn’t freak out when they started strapping me in and taping me down. It was, dare I say, almost pleasant.

Back to the loopy... I had mentioned that I always get a double dose of my dear sedative friend Versed: the first dose makes me talk talk talk, but the second actually does what it is supposed to do. I don’t know if they got to the second dose or not, since I was already half gone with the Benadryl. I had prepared them for the onslaught of verbage, and instead laid there quietly and rested while they did their thing.

I remember being wrapped in plastic (what they referred to as my tent). I remember the cold alcohol wipes. I remember a tiny needle stick. And then I remember a snippet of a conversation, recreated here to the very best of my ability:

Nurse D: I would never say that to my fiance
Me: At least not during coitus
Dr G: (laughs) So you’re awake?
Nurse D: What did she say???
Dr G: She said “at least not during coitus!”
(laughter)
[I have a follow up exam on Aug 16 - I’ll be sure to ask for clarification.]

After that, I thought they were still prepping me when Dr G poked his head under my tent to say I was all done. I could not believe it! No trauma! No anxiety! No angst!

I went to recovery, got dressed, had a snack, chatted with Nurse J for about an hour; and then it was time to go home.

And now, I have the inevitable Human-->Cyborg Transformation Pain. It will go away as soon as the human in me accepts and embraces the mechanical in me. Until then, I’ll be popping Tylenols and taking it easy. My weekend company (4 out of 5 Danforths) are on their way. I’m looking forward to seeing them all, even though I don’t know where to put them in my teeny-tiny apartment!

Next on deck - an Aug 12 appointment with Dr F, and waiting to hear from Dana-Farber regarding the clinical trial I’m hoping to be part of.

I’ll keep you posted....

I am Cyborg. And I will win.