big girl pantz

Sometimes in life, the anxiety you feel about an unpleasant event is worse than the unpleasantness of the event itself.

This past weekend, I was forced to face some fears that had been causing me loads of unhealthy anxiety. And now that I’ve faced them, I realize that it really wasn’t so bad. If it happens again, I can put on my big girl pants and deal with it like a grown up instead of a crying 2-year old.

Last week can be described as simply awful. I had caught Jeff’s cold so I was stuffy and coughing, not to mention running a fever. And since it was in the first week after my chemo, my counts were low so I had no way of fighting off any infection. As if that wasn’t enough, I was peeing lots and lots of blood (or so it seemed). For three nights in a row, I was calling the after-hours emergency number to speak with the doctor on-call to see if I needed to head to the hospital. I didn’t, but after making that call, I was having trouble sleeping.

This all came to a head on Friday. I had labwork done which confirmed that I was neutropenic and I was still running a fever. And there was clearly something wrong with my catheter because the bag was empty and I was peeing around the tubing. Not good. It wasn’t just annoying - it HURT!

I was terrified of going to the hospital. I had heard so many scary stories of people getting some horrific infection after a stay in the hospital - most notably MRSA and Staph. I was also afraid that my catheter had gone horribly awry and I still was not over the pain memory of when they put it in, I did not want anyone touching it. Lastly, I was afraid of being on IV antibiotics. I am allergic to a slew of oral antibiotics and the idea of finding out I’m allergic to a new one fills me with trepidation. Anaphylaxis is no fun!

My doctor arranged for me to be a direct admit which meant that I could go straight to a room instead of going through the emergency room and letting them admit me. Jeff brought me to the hospital and we went straight to the 8th floor. I was put in a private room with a big note on the door warning that anyone entering must wear a mask. Jeff stayed until the doctor came and asked all sorts of questions - he was impressed with my encyclopedic knowledge of my own medical history (I have MT Bee and MT Jeanne to thank for this - they have trained me well to ask questions and know everything about my care).

As for my catheter, he was pretty sure there was a blockage somewhere. I was also having spasms in my bladder and when that happened, it moved the catheter in such a way that it was allowing me to pee. This meant I would need a bigger one since you aren’t supposed to be able to pee around it. You can imagine how quickly the tears did a-flow when I heard that! BUT the doctor assured me that they would do everything possible to keep it from being painful. And they did! They used lidocaine gel to numb the area and also put some on the catheter as they inserted it. It didn’t hurt bad at all. And it worked properly, which helped the spasms and other pain in my bladder.

They gave me lots of meds that helped me sleep. The bed was pretty comfortable, and like I said I had a private room. This meant I could watch whatever I wanted on TV and there wasn’t anyone to keep me awake talking. The nurses and doctors were all very nice. I have found that in general, oncology professionals have some of the best bedside manner.  It might also help that I’m a good patient. I’m not always ringing for the nurse, and when I do it’s for a good reason.

They told me I would probably be in the hospital for a few days. They were running blood cultures and they wouldn’t let me go home until they had the results. It usually takes 72 hours. So I settled in for a “spa weekend”, complete with ongoing leg massage. The nurses and doctors thought it was weird that I liked the leg squeezers (they keep you from getting blood clots since you are in bed 99% of the time) since most people can’t stand them. I enjoy the squeezing, and the hum of the air pump helped to lull me to sleep.

Another fear I faced that I hadn’t foreseen was that I would have to have a daily shot in my belly. This too was to prevent clotting. I have for most of my life been deathly afraid of injections. It isn’t the needles themselves that I’m afraid of, it’s just that it freaked me out to have any fluid injected or removed from my body. But when I was rediagnosed, I made a decision to deal with this without whining and since then injections and blood draws haven’t bothered me one little bit. Still, a shot in the belly is a bit icky sounding, but it really wasn’t too bad.  

I also got a few injections of Neupogen to help boost my counts. The count they most worry about is called the ANC - Absolute Neutrophil Count. Neutrophils are the new cells made by bone marrow that become stem cells, and thus become white or red blood cells (or whatever other kind of cell you need at the time). As healthy cells go through their life-cycles and die off, they are replaced by neutrophils becoming that type of cell. When your ANC is low, it means you won’t have enough cells to replace the dying off ones and you will be more susceptible to infection. A normal ANC is above 2000. When I was admitted into the hospital, mine was 800. (It’s notable that during my last course of chemo at Dana-Farber, my ANC typically dropped to 100 or 200 at it’s lowest, so 800 didn’t sound so low to me.) By Sunday, my ANC was up to 8300!  Partly because of the Neupogen, partly because I bounce back good.

At 6 am Monday morning, Dr B woke me up to tell me that I would be able to go home that day. All my blood cultures came back negative. My counts were back up. My catheter was working fine (there was still blood in my urine, but this could be because my bout with radiation in 2008 has left me with a very delicate bladder that is easily irritated). My spasms were being kept under control with Gabapentin.  And I had completed several courses of antibiotics.  

And boy, was I ever ready to go home! I missed Jeff! He came to see me every day, but it isn’t the same as being home with him :)

Since I’ve been home, I have been sleeping alot. The number one side effect of Alimta is crippling fatigue and I am definitely feeling it. I try to be awake in the evenings when Jeff is home from work, but during the day I’m asleep more than I’m not.

But I’m eating good and staying hydrated. My catheter isn’t bothering me too much. And other than tired, I’m feeling good.

OH - and my hair is growing back!!!!! I even woke up with bed-head this morning!!!!!! :)

Thanks for all your calls and well-wishes! Call me whenever, I don’t mind being woken up.

Especially now that I'm wearing Big Girl Pants!