"just because she is a cyborg does not make her our enemy" *

Yes, it's true. I am no longer human. I am cyborg.

But I shall start at the beginning...

Last week was... well, it was rough. In chronological order:

Mon
Chemo Class
X-Ray
Radiation Simulation
CT Scan
Tue
Endocrinology
Wed
First full day of work since Aug 13
Thu
MRI - both with and without contrast
Fri
PET/CT Scan
Lab Work x 7

Each day was a new adventure, a few more kilometers down the road to Survivorville. But will all that activity, it felt like a month crammed into one week.

Funny story: Before getting an MRI, they have you fill out this really extensive checklist that asks if you have any of the things that might cause some sort of malfunction during the procedure. "Do you have any pins in your bones?" No. "Do you have a plate in your head?" No. "Do you have any piercings that you have not removed?" No. "Do you have a shunt?" No. "Do you have tattooed eyeliner?" No. You get the idea. This went on for a full page, front and back. They follow that up with the comfortingly-worded waiver:

"I,___________, understand that if I have not disclosed any of the aforementioned metal implants, the MRI procedure may result in permanent disfigurement or even death,"

which you MUST sign or they will just tell you to go home without any parting gifts.

Fast forward 20 minutes. I'm lying on the MRI table. My hands are stretched above my head, IV in place with iron filings (I can only assume) waiting to flow through my tender veins. The tech, who bears a striking resemblance to Paolo from this season's Shear Genius, has placed a squeeze-ball in my left hand that is attached to a bell. I am to squeeze this if I need assistance during the MRI, as all sane people will be in another room behind 18 inches of bullet-proof glass.

Now, I have had MRIs before. Claustrophobic though I tend to be, they have never really bothered me. Usually, I just fall asleep. And this was turning out to be no different. As I was being enveloped by the itty-bitty MRI tunnel, with Rachmaninov playing softly in my headphones, I began to drift into dreamland. And the thought occurred to me - what happens if you have a plate in your head but you need an MRI? What do they do then? And then, it hit me!

Squeeze Squeeze Squeeze Squeeze Squeeze Squeeze Squeeze
From the glass bunker: Yes, what is it?
Me, in a panic: I just remembered something!!!!
Paolo, frustrated, pulling me out of the tube: What is it?
Me, in a bigger panic: MY DOCTOR PUT CLIPS ON MY OVARIES SO THEY'D SHOW UP IN AN X-RAY! I FORGOT TO PUT THAT ON THE CHECKLIST!!!!!
Paolo, exasperated: Surgical clips are non-ferrous. You'll be fine. Now get back in there and lie still!

Paolo might've been all irritated about my freak-out, but you have to understand. As I was lying there in that torpedo-tube of an electro-magnet, a vision flashed into my head. And that vision was my ovaries, being ripped out of my body and sticking by their little metal clips to the inside of the MRI tunnel. Sure, I might've overreacted. Sure, I rang that bell seven times and made them stop the proceedings. But I really really didn't want to have gone through that whole laparoscopic nightmare just to have my ovaries become MRI tube interior decorating! Despite my panic, the MRI went fine.

I was back to the same facility bright and early the next morning for the PET/CT scan. The IV procedure for this was a mess. For those of you who haven't had personal experience with my wussy-ness, I will confess that I have a little bit of a freakout when it comes to IVs. I briefly mentioned in an earlier post that I have a problem with fluids, but it isn't just that. I also have issues with being stuck in the crook of my elbow; hence, I have always requested to be stuck in my hand. Yes, it hurts a little more, but at least I don't pass out. So for my MRI, they stuck me in the right hand. The waiver for that fluid explained that it would cause some bruising in the surrounding area (apparently iron filings aren't good for you - who knew?!?). They weren't kidding - bruised I was! So the next day, I had to go back and get another IV. The right hand was out, so they went to the left. Except the left is home to the Incredibly Collapsing Vessels, so that was a no-go. They begged to go into the crook of my elbow, but I held firm to my whining NO and they relented - they found a nice fat vein in my wrist. But when it was all over, I again remembered something: Lab Work. I needed to get lab work done that very day. Neither hand is viable. Wrist is out of the question. Oh shit, they're gonna have to go into the bad place. In all fairness to the lovely phlebotomist, it went very quickly and didn't hurt one bit. But I still cried like a little girl until it was all over.

And as if that wasn't bad enough... today, I was made into a cyborg. Yes, your darling Bonez now has a very fancy Port-A-Cath. And I bet you can guess what was the first thing they wanted to do? You got it - stick me! The nurses were very nice and although my hands were bruised and thick with scar tissue, they managed to get the IV in my hand (albeit on the second try). And this, ladies and gentlemen, is the very reason for getting this horrible port in the first place. Now, whenever they need to change my oil or top of my coolant, they can mainline it right into my chest with no sticking at all! Yippee! Yippee? No, not quite. Rather than getting stuck over and over, and collapsing countless veins, I now have this rather odd bottlecap attached to my chest. I feel like I have one of those orange sippers stuck in me. Anyone thirsty? Ewwww...

So that's where I am for now. Radiation is still in the planning phase, and chemotherapy will begin on the first Thursday after my first radiation. John & I are hanging in there, taking it day-by-day. Trying not to worry too much about what faces us. Vitamin V is helping. So are the countless chocolate muffins, pancakes, french fries, french bread, french bread, more french bread.

Thank you all for the support and love you have shown me. It is empowering to know that I have you all in my corner :)

With much love...



* Quote from Power Rangers S.P.D., 2005